User talk:EvansNews
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Danse page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 04:23, May 17, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:27, May 17, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story I would suggest reading over the links that were posted in the message above as they really address most of the common issues. Your story was deleted because it was below our quality standards. Starting with the most basic, dialogue needs to be spaced out. Having lines like this: "“Go to your family kid, there’s not long now”. “Until the dance is over” I asked." is not a good idea. It can muddle who is saying what in conversations and it also makes stories feel more cluttered. I would suggest looking over some literature and seeing how they handle conversations. To sum it up simply, two speakers should never be in the same paragraph. Punctuation issues: A majority of your dialogue is missing punctuation. "“Hey(comma missing)” he said", "Ya (Yeah), in all honesty neither did I man”, "“Well what about yours”", etc. Also, when you do punctuate dialogue, you tend to leave it outside of quotations which is incorrect. ""if you wanted to talk to them”.", "my sister would have come but something changed”.", etc. You also forget to use punctuation before dialogue. "he said(,) “They’re not here,", "said(,) “ready son”.", "they counted(,) “3,2,1”". Miscellaneous issues: You forget to capitalize proper nouns and the start of sentences. "i (I) haven’t seen them in a while", "said “ready(Ready) son”.", "they counted “3,2,1” (Three, two, one.)". You also have a number of grammatical issues. “You’re family is over there" (Your= possession, you're=you are) "maybe he had just had enough of my (me) after eight years". Wording issues: Awkward wording. "Still the curiosity of all the people in the gymnasium made me start walking down the corridor.", "I notice around the corridor were paintings of a range of things from distorted to paintings", "they counted “3,2,1” with the one with absolutely no enthusiasm.", etc. There are also sentences which really should be combined as they complete the idea. "He seemed disappointed that I had come. Which offended me because we had been friends since I could remember.", "He was usually immature and loud. Not as serious as he was right now.", etc. The best advice I can give is to read the story aloud to yourself so you can catch areas where the sentence is awkwardly phrased or isn't complete. Story issues: A number of these paragraphs need to be broken up. A typical paragraph is five-ten sentences long. Any longer and it appears blocky. Any shorter and it comes off as lacking content. Once in a while is fine to go above or below, but a majority of your paragraphs are blocky and difficult to read. The intro also doesn't work as it tries to jump into the story without much explanation or set-up. This opening gives the story a rushed feeling: "I was very finely dressed. I was wearing a tux, nice shoes, and my hair was done very well.". There really needs to be an introduction here that engages the reader. Story issues cont.: There isn't a whole lot of explanation here which really weakens the plot. The protagonist has no real goal and there isn't any real focus on the plot here. For example, what's the significance of the American flag or Communism pins? What do the mushrooms in jars symbolize? I assume you wanted it to be a metaphor for the Cold War with the pins and the mushroom (clouds) symbolizing the arms race, but there really isn't a lot to flesh out these concepts or really give them weight in the plot itself. You can interchange them with a number of symbols and not influence the plot, which doesn't really make for good story-telling. This feels like a lot of ideas were mashed together and there wasn't any real focus on any of them. This gives the whole plot a vague and anemic feel. The best example of this is the ending. It ends with the protagonist looking at Danse Macabre ("The words were “Danse Macabre”.") and it really does nothing to build or bring the story to a conclusion or statement. I would strongly suggest posting your next story to the writer's workshop (link above) as there are a lot of problems here involving punctuation, capitalization, grammar, formatting, wording, and story issues here that you've overlooked. Additionally, this isn't a full listing of all the errors present in the story, as I really wanted to focus on the larger issues present in the story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:14, May 17, 2016 (UTC) :No problem, thanks for the response back. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:48, May 17, 2016 (UTC)